Updated: Apr 30, 2022
Life starts with an interest and passion, that becomes a dream, becoming thoughts of reality, that become action, conceiving reality and bringing forth life. You see life starts in darkness, unseen until it starts, takes form growing and growing until it is fully developed and transformed into something completely new, but exactly what it's supposed to be. But before life can come forth into the light, first it must go through time, effort and pain to develop, grow and transform under pressure to come forth into the light, which starts a new beginning.
The past year and a bit have been like this. I had a passion and interest for art that turned into the dream to pursue art in higher education. From this I developed the thought to go to college or university and make it reality. So I worked many hours, putting in overtime, saving everything I had to go to school, yet despite all my effort and time my dream school was still out of my reach. But all my time and effort was not wasted as I was presented with “University of the Nations”, offering the course I was pursuing at a much cheaper price, in another country and it contained missions. So I applied, got accepted and attended U.O.T.N. in Mexico last year. I had a passion, that became a dream that turned into a thought of reality, and through my actions, they became reality. What I didn't realize was that as my dream was coming to completion a new passion, thought and dream was being conceived in me. I fell in love with GOD, with healing, with myself, with Mexico, the people, and missions. I developed a passion to know GOD more, to help people, to know them and continue to grow as a person. As I recognized this passion growing in me, I began to dream of what my life could be if I stayed. Dreaming of who I could become, who I could help, what lives I could change and be changed by, or how much I could love and know GOD. So I began to think of how this could be reality, I started to learn and inform myself, and then from that I took action. This started to conceive reality, but I didn't recognize this cycle, wouldn’t have understood if I never started to question it all and try to give up.
I was going through the pain of facing a lifetime of trauma and healing, surrendering the pain, the control, forgiving, and learning to accept what happened but not allowing it to define me anymore. You see trauma shapes your reality. A reality of chains that are attached to you, inside a dark room, with voices that come from somewhere unidentifiable place. It is all I knew and it wasn't until it stopped that I discovered that the key to taking them off, walking out and discovering the voices, something new was always in my pocket.
I never knew the key was in my pocket and even if I did it didn't matter because I remained. It's like this, everyday you hold back, you don't do anything that could put you at risk of danger. You don't dare take one step in the wrong direction, challenge the voices, and the chains because if you did they would tear, cut and hurt you. You would lose. You tried and failed so you stay, you stop trying. You never see yourself as capable, you believe what was told to you and about you because what evidence do you have to disprove it, after all you tried and nothing changed. Anyway you wouldn't even know how to win, and when you tried it seemed like everything you knew was false, a lie, wrong. You feel alone, unseen, unwanted, worthless. There are voices all around you audibly and inaudibly saying your are not enough, to the point the only thing left to hear in the screaming in your head to drown just them out, and the numbing to not feel a thing. You can't see or understand yourself properly or the world, because you question everything you know and are. Nothing you try makes it better, not drugs, not sex, not alcohol, not self care because you can't take care of something you hate. You believe no one sees you, cares because it seems that your cries echo off dark walls and even when they knew you were there they didn't seem to help set you free, but even when they did it didn't work. It didn't work because they could never set you free from the chains they never held the key to. All along you held the key. All you had to do was take action. There were times when you did take action you fought but the fear, the pain, the voices that screamed at you, the unknown kept you chained. You would get free and start walking but it all became too much, impossible. So you'd turned back to familiarity, to comfort, to safety because as long as you stayed in that place you’ve always known even if it's bad you could control something. Freedom was more dangerous then living chained because at least when your trapped you can control your breathing, instead of the panic and pain of everything new stealing away your breath in anxiety. At least in captivity you could survive.
I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be free, even if that meant losing my very breath because at that point I would have rather died then continued to live that life. I kept dreaming, imagining what I thought reality could be and the disappointment and pain of seeing it never happen was killing me. I had nothing left to lose, I was at the point either things change or I die. So I decide I was going to give everything I had I, working up the courage to raise my voice and cry out for help hoping someone would hear me and I used what I had all along the key. I unlocked and removed the chains, deciding to walk, to fight, to take action to leave that room, those chains, hoping that all I had was enough. That first step was straight fear, but the fear of staying was greater. So I took more steps and with every step the voices screamed to return, “it's not safe, I can’t do this, I'll never make it, who do I think I am, this is useless, stupid, I should just go back or die.” Every step hurt so much as the wounds from pulling at the chains bleed still and the voices beat me down. Again and again I fell under the pain, the pressure. I had done this before. I had tried to get free before but I never made it, I always retreated. But this time was different, this time I made it farther than before, this time there was no room for another try. This time I was finally able to make out that muffled voice that was always there, but I could never make out who it was or what they were saying. The voice was calling out my name. This voice kept saying, “I'll help you, get up, don't give up, just see how far you can go, crawl if you must but keep going, you can do this, I’m here with you, keep going, you deserve to live, it can be better.” I wanted to see where that voice was coming from, I wanted that voice that saw me, to know who it was, the voice on the outside of this room. So despite it all I kept fighting against myself, the voices, the pain, the fear and finally I made it out of that room, to that voice.
With the first step out of that room my black and white world exploded into a world of color, full of so many sounds I have never known. It was beautiful, I heard and saw things I never knew, I learnt so much. It was a dream come true, what I had dreamed of but its was a dream that I was in but only watching. See when you finally get free from trauma, the darkness, it gets better but it doesn't get better and magically changes everything the second you leave that room. Because the second I left that room I hid myself inside this new dream world, taking peaks of it all, experiencing the sounds, but only observing. It was all overwhelming, and I had to fight the urge to return to what I knew because it felt more real, safe then this new world. Fighting myself as I reasoned I could go back and live that life, not dying because this was harder. Even when I knew that wasn't true. I had wrapped myself in layers of trauma, of everything I had ever known like battle armor ready to fight, run and protect myself at any given moment because it was the only way I had survived and I couldn’t trust this new world. Everything I did was a response out of all I knew, it was like nothing changed I was in a different place, I was no longer chained, I was free but still the same. Why!? I was so mad, and hated myself still. There was still darkness. fear and pain. I still couldn't breath, because what no one told me was that I may have escape that room but that room stayed with me. I was now weight down by all the layers of fear, pain, darkness and trauma that I was unable to move forward. Unable to be like the color, the sounds, the people I saw. Unable to have my dream for my black and white armor painted me colorless, and my helmet kept me in darkness. But that voice, that voice was with me.
That voice spoke life into me. It didn't force me to remove my layers. It just welcomed me as I exited that room. It showed me colors, and explained the world I saw. It made me feel seen, loved, accepted, safe, yet I didn't trust the voice right away. Everyone spoke about the voice, who the voice was, about the character and nature of the voice. How the voice couldn't lie, how the voice was good, loved me and would never leave me. But I had to walk with that voice to trust it. I started to dream of being free again as I watched this dream world, but this time free from the armor but I didn't know how to take it off, how to not put it back on, who I would be without it. I told the voice, asking for help, and He did. He asked me why I wore certain pieces of armor and when I put it on, and with each piece I explained the horrors, the trauma and the pain between my sobs. Throughout me reliving it and explaining He never left. He held me; He listened, He never rushed me, He validated me, He cried with me. He helped me see the truth away from my emotions and I began to recognize His voice was there too. Then He showed me life without that piece of armor. He showed me examples, how to live without it and what that would be like. I began to dream of not wearing that armor, I imagined myself living like that. I decided I wanted to take it off but I couldn't take it off, I didn't know how or how to live with it off. He presented me with something to wear instead of that piece of armor, something colorful, beautiful, light, freeing. He showed me how to take it off, we faced the fears, the pain, as I healed and when I took it off He was there. When I put the armor I had just taken off back on He was there, understanding and patient. When I tried to run back to that room again and again He held me and stopped me. "You've come too far to go back." Until I no longer needed that armor.
I liked the way my new clothing felt, I started to like myself, like life and wanted more. So again and again we went through this process of taking off my layers of armor. I grew, I fell, I failed, I forgave, I healed, I got hurt and experienced so much life again and again. I didn't give up, I didn't go back, because I fell in love with Him and through it all I began to trust Him, to know Him, to hope and believe Him. Then only the helmet was left. This is the season I take off my helmet. I choose to remove the lens of darkness, of pain, of not being good enough, of a victim, of not seeing myself clearly or properly. I choose to take off the mentality of a captive, failure, alone, unwanted, of no worth or value. I choose to take off my helmet and put on my crown.
This season I start a new life because not only am I am starting a new life as a free, healed person who now loves life, and herself a bit, but I am starting a new life in Mexico. I am a full-time missionary in Tijuana with YWAM, where I teach art to our school and to children who get no school. I build houses for those with no houses. I help care for those in need, helping them help themselves. In this new life I do not want this helmet holding me back from all I could do, be, and all I could impact. I want to help others see that new beginnings are possible, that they are not alone, that they can be free, that they are seen, valued, wanted and have so much to offer. So in our cycle of life, I know it's time to push, to experience that pain again but only to see the light and start a new beginning. I know now that I always had everything I needed to be free, but I couldn't have used what I had if it weren't from Him. I couldn't have ever been truly free, changed, transformed into something better than I could have ever imagined, if His voice wasn't always there and still there when I finally heard it.
So keep me in your prayers as I trade this helmet for a crown. Where I will learn to walk, live, believe and see myself, others and the future as the royalty I am, how He sees me. I need your prayers because despite it all, knowing I couldn’t have done it without Him, seeing how far I’ve come, I still try to remove armor alone, which doesn’t work because I don’t know life without it. I still think I am what all those voices say even when I know its not true. I still am trying to prove that I am worth this love, this freedom because I still feel trapped in that room when I look at myself, but I’m changing. I have come too far to go back, and I know I will not fail for I have a passion to be all of whom He says I am. I have a passion to know, to live with, to partner, to love Him, and as long as I have that love, have Him I know I will continue to conceive and give birth to many more dreams, changing my dreams into reality bringing life. For all things are possible with GOD, if you would only believe, trust and take a chance on Him and fight for yourself, for the future, for today. So I know there is life on the other side of this dream. I am willing to take action even through the darkness, but it always helps to have a voice praying, calling out for you, even when you don’t really hear it or recognize it. So thank you for praying for me.
Know that if you are still in that room or fighting even though you are no longer in that room but feel you are, you are not alone. I see you. I understand. I, someone who never promises unless they mean it because I refuse to break someone's trust. I promise you that if you keep fighting, you keep walking, you cry out to GOD and let Him help even when it hurts, when you hate everything, when you want to die, when you see no way, I promise you He will make a way, He will set you free, He will transform you. I had the key but He was the one who gave it to me from the start and was there all along calling out to me to use it but I couldn't hear Him. If you only take a chance to believe in Him, yourself and take action and never give up it will get better, it will be different, you will be free, you will be happy, you will be able to enjoy life and have meaning. I promise you. You are loved, and He is always fighting and calling out to you. Just keep going because there really is light at the end of the tunnel and a world full of possibilities if you only dare to dream, see, believe and take action.
All my love,